This is strictly being used to vent. Because I can't very well yell in a dorm, or in the middle of campus. And I don't necessarily want anyone HEARING anyway. And I can't figure out this website other than how to post a blog thing, so I don't think anyone can find this. Whatever. I don't care. I don't want comments. This is for my own personal benefit, because I think going to rely on a counselor is not good for me.

I FREAKING HATE EVERYONE. I can't stinking STAND it anymore. I'm tired of everyone, my family, boyfriend, classmates, EVERYONE. Ever wanted everyone to just be GONE? Yeah, well I get that a LOT. Rather, I'd rather not had any connection to BEGIN with, because I don't know how to deal with any of them, nor do I know how to deal with growing up and having to choose people.

I'm sick of forgiving.

I'm sick of caring.

I'm sick of putting EVERYONE ELSE first, and me ALWAYS second.

I'm sick of idiots and selfish people.

I'm equally sick of having to be stuck between everyone's BULL SHIT. YOU DON'T THINK I AM, MOM? Well, I AM. Because dad's a moron, your sons are morons, they act JUST LIKE dad, and you push ME away? WELL I HATE YOU. Screw ever thinking anything of you! I'm outta here once I graduate! There's nothing for me here. My relatives are morons, and now my immediate family is. I don't care anymore. I'm just SICK OF IT.

I don't know how to stinking deal with all this crap. I'm 21 for goodness' sake. I don't know how to put up with idiot dad, idiot brothers, idiot anyone, as well as school, and money, and thinking about a job, and thinking about failing, and homework, and my own personal goals, and fitting in hobbies, and not going psycho, and worrying about sinning, or making a bad choice.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO? YOU DON'T I GUESS. I wish I was some stupid peasant girl in some underdeveloped country who only worried about cooking her family's food and milking cows. And then I'd die. That's a miserable existance? At least ignorance is bliss! And speaking of that...

I wish I was the typical, idiot, immature peon everyone else gets to be. Sometimes I wish I was so STUPID, that I could just have everything I do not matter, and go act like tard. EVERYONE ELSE GETS TO. WHY DO I JUST FEEL GUILTY? WHY DO I FEEL THAT IS ALL WRONG? Why does everyone else get to behave like a selfish bitch or a bastard, but I have to go against that, and feel bad, instead of acting like THEM, and not feeling any remorse? I hate it. Mostly, I hate people like THEM. Because they are born blind, and I am born intelligent. Is it worth it? I dunno. I'm beginning to think not. Ignorance really IS bliss, when you just don't know, and what you don't know, won't kill you. You'll just be stupid, and happy.

Daoism, I'm starting to like you more and more.

Oh yeah. I forgot I'm not a teenager.

I should be doing my religious studies paper.... Oh yeah. I forgot I hate writing papers.

I should be drawing. Oh yeah. I forgot I SUCK.

Anyway, life's pretty average, I suppose. Just your average paper writing, drawing sucking, money saving life, yeah.

I don't know where this is going. Why am I craving cantaloupe and strawberries and oatmeal? Gosh dang.

I realized.....when I whip out a random curse word, it makes things more funny. I'll be talking all mature and normal and I'll just belt out "...BECAUSE HE/SHE IS A FREAKING DIPSHIT, DAMN IT, GOOD LORD." People laugh more. It's amusing.

La la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Martin, I just received word you're in the basement, forgetting our swimming pact. DESPISEMENT. I'm leaving without you.

Oh yeah, I forgot I had a username for this place. Lolz.

Father's Day. Well, I have a father, and I have one grandfather as of recently, so we had a cookout, American style. It was a small get-together with the "not usual", but with 8 siblings, well......everyday is a party I suppose.

Mom's due to give birth to twin boys in September. So, I'll be the oldest of 11 kids then. 8 brothers, and 2 sisters. Oh happy day. But I'm generally happy with it. I'm glad to have a large family. I just hope none of them turn out to be crooked little blighters......

It's good to have family. So, when I get the constant backlash from relatives, I feel more protective and proud of my large immediate family. I feel like we are our own private and efficient unit, working together by ourselves just fine. The rest can bite it.

Those multiple children shows just bother me though, for many reasons, especially Jon and Kate + 8. Good Lord. Someone please knock some sense into those people's heads.....

Too tired to say much more. Jaa ne~~~~~.